How I managed my anxiety on the biggest reality tv show in Australia
Anxiety β heck even that word gives me anxiety.
The Block 2019
Going on the biggest national reality TV show in Australia is bound to give anyone out there a little bit of a panic attack or a dose of anxiety here and there. Even those who donβt even know what anxiety feels like (my darling Luke for example), felt it on the show. I remember one day while filming he covered his microphone and said to me βDarl, my heart is racing and I feel nauseous, do you think Iβm sick?β.
βNo my love β that is what anxiety feels like, and imagine feeling it all day every dayβ¦.β
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Long story short, my anxiety started in year 2 but I donβt think we knew that it was anxiety. I had an awful teacher that stressed me out so much I would pull out my hair, freeze while walking up the stairs to class and have complete panic attacks about going to school β I was only 6 years old. After that year passed, I didnβt really feel anxious throughout school and my emotions were pretty smooth sailing throughout the teenage years.
The anxiety came back when I was roughly 22 years old and buying my first home with Luke. I would cry driving to work every single day, I would stop socialising with my friends, I would always think of the negative in everything, I would talk down about myself, I would become paranoid and think people didnβt like me or were talking about me and I lost my appetite. A combination of lots of different things triggered it and I finally had the answer to why I was feeling sick, reclusive, sad and exhausted β Anxiety.
This anxiety was debilitating. I had let it take over my life and start to change the person I was. I remember so clearly going to speak to a councillor with Luke and he said to her while holding back tears, βPlease help her, she doesnβt see how amazing she is and I donβt know what to doβ. It was that exact moment I thought to myself βF anxiety, no way will I let it not only affect me, but affect the people I love the mostβ and that was the pivotal moment I decided to change my life.
βF anxiety, no way will I let it not only affect me, but affect the people I love the mostβ
I am so lucky that I have a wonderful partner, family and friends that guided me throughout the process. I spoke about it with a lot of people, with professionals and read many books on how to handle it. I was on medication for a few months but hated how it made me feel, so slowly, with my doctors permission, went off the medication and started to change my way of thinking, I started meditation and I made lifestyle changes to create a more calm, balanced environment. It took a lot of study, practice and persistence to change the way I felt. Since 22, I had my anxiety pretty well under control. I could feel it creeping back up now and then but I knew what methods to take to try and keep it from taking over my life again.
No one at home needs to learn about my personal challenges through someones elseβs story. I want you at home, to hear it from me β my way.
In 2019, we got on The Block. A life changing, once in a lifetime experience that we didnβt believe would ever happen to normal people like us. We were just Tess & Luke from Cairns β the hairdresser and chippy trying to create a comfortable life for ourselves.
We were thrown into this massive whirlwind and probably for the first 4 weeks we were in shock. What you donβt see are the dozens of cameras following you around the site, the shops, in the carβ¦ everywhere. You donβt see the producers asking you what youβre doing every 2 seconds and to repeat the exact movements to try and make sense of it to everyone sitting at home. You donβt see the sleep deprivation, the hard work, the massive hours on the paintbrush, the emotional phone calls to home, the family events or disasters you arenβt there for, the constant reminder that you may walk away from this experience with nothing.
When I used to sit at home watching the show I would always say βOh my god, get over it guys β itβs the opportunity of a lifetimeβ but now I get it, and the only other people who will really get it is the past and future contestants of The Block.
I made it to about week 9 or 10 without feeling anxious, I think I was just too busy. Then it hit me, like a tonne of bricks. The dark feeling that hovers over you, the short breathes you take, your heart racing a million miles an hour, the feeling of being on the verge of tears every time you opened your mouth. Mentally, I was not okay. There is a scene of me βstorming off siteβ but really I was trying to escape to try and get my mind together. I remember even saying to the camera βstop filming me right now, I am not okay, for mental health reasons please stopβ.
Iβm glad that it didnβt make the cut and it wasnβt aired. Maybe they could see that it wasnβt for entertainment or a story line, it was my mental health at stake. No one at home needs to learn about my personal challenges through someones elseβs story. I want you at home, to hear it from me β my way.
I spoke to some producers and I was referred to see a councillor while filming. I remember going to see her in between shopping for a couch and I went and sat on her chair and just started crying. She was trying to understand where I was coming from, as someone who doesnβt even watch TVβ¦ which was a little difficult to explain the situation to. We talked about how I can manage the anxiety. She told me βGo for a walk, go talk to a friend, take a day off, meditate, go exerciseβ¦β These are things I would do usually at home that would keep my anxiety in check, and I hadnβt done any of these for 10 weeks and I certainly didnβt have any time to do it for the next month.
Behind the Scenes - The Block 2019
Exhausted - The Block 2019
Thoughts become things
Then it hit me. Thatβs why I felt like anxious. It wasnβt the cameras, the producers, The Block, missing my loved ones or the drama that comes with a reality TV show. It was me. I had lost me. I had stopped caring for myself. I had gone back to my old ways of letting my mind take over my thoughts. My mind was starting to get clouded and in turn making me feel like something bad was always going to happen or that I wasnβt doing well enough, or that people didnβt like me, or that I was going to fail. I forgot, these thoughts are NOT real. These thoughts come over you when you let anxiety take over. You start to believe that these thoughts are true and you let go of yourself. I forgot about how I trained myself to think positive thoughts. I used to always live by βThoughts become thingsβ and I had let it slip by me in the past 10 weeks.
I came back to site from the appointment and I pulled Luke aside and unplugged our microphones. I told him that we had 4 weeks left of this journey and we had not had one fun day. You know why? Because we have forgotten who we are. We needed to start having FUN. Who cares if we have βno moneyβ on the show β itβs a show. Who cares if the judges hate our rooms? Its nothing personal! We are on a TV show, not saving lives. And from that point on, every day I would wake up and repeat βmy thoughts become thingsβ. I would trick myself into having positive thoughts and I would notice the days would become more and more positive. If we were tired, we would sleep. If we were overloaded with work, we would still make time to sit together and eat. Each day got easier and we felt more and more happy.
I guess dealing with the anxiety on a reality tv show while on a job site is one thing β and I got through it. The next hurdle I had to face was being on TV, being judged by millions sitting at home on their couch watching an edited TV and its portrayal of you on the show for their enjoyment. I was going to have to face false articles about me, accusations and rumours. I was going to have to have the trolls, the bullies and the abusive messagesβ¦
how the hell Luke and I did that β is a whole other ball game.
Luke, Tess & Tilly at home in Far North Queensland
On the Journal
